grace

i know when there is separation because i feel longing
every moment i am outside of you
with each beat of my heart there is pain
and i sense your absence even when i know you’re near

as i seek what only you can give in every place but your arms
the darkness closes in tighter around me
until i am stumbling over my own feet tripping over myself
but still convinced that i can find my way out alone

as i approach the edge i pause for a moment to look back
needing to see your face
desperate for your voice in my ear and in my selfishness and impatience
i jump without considering what may await at the bottom

the fall is much farther than i considered it could be
and instead of the flying sensation i had expected to overtake me
there is only numbness
and i cannot speak because words will not come

my stomach turns, and i feel sick having shrouded myself in this lie
my mind wars with the truth but it is too late
and i am now powerless to stop the fall
i am introduced to regret, an acquaintance i’ve never known

upon hitting the bottom, i am shocked to find that i feel no impact
there is no sudden death, no cracking of bones
only stillness and silence and the absolute despair
that accompanies the deepest loneliness

tears become a river, and my thoughts are a hurricane
inside my head i see myself sitting before you
both of us staring, neither speaking
and you’re waiting

i want to cry out to you, to run to your arms and apologize
to beg for your mercy – but i cannot move
my tongue doesn’t dare dance, and i hang my head
trembling and ashamed

i await your anger, your fury, your wrath
but there is none
your silence is deafening and my ears pulse
my head heavy with the weight of what i’ve done

your arms slowly open as i weep
your eyes never leave me and no hard word is spoken
as i lift my gaze to your eyes
i see understanding and a quiet reminder

my heart whispers as i begin to understand
you understand my weakest and dirtiest of conditions
you are the constant and i am ever needing you
you have never left me alone

you forgive me even in my defiance
you accept me even in my failure
you want me even in my unholiness
you love me even in my unworthiness

you are mine and in you is all i have ever needed
your arms hold me and the fear departs
banished by the light as you whisper your love for me
and i understand the meaning of grace

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Decisions

the pounding in my head
ringing so loudly
in time with the war drums
i cannot move

i am still on the fence
will i waiver or stand up
i don’t yet know
but you are on my mind

i don’t want to disappoint you
yet i feel the need
to answer this call
to just give in

it would be so much easier
to take you out of the equation
getting what i want
for right now

in the moment i almost succumb
i close my eyes
nearly intending to follow through
on the exhale

as my vision goes dark
i see you watching me
waiting to see what i will do
i see hope in your eyes

i hear the wanting call my name
even as you stare at me
you look captivated
and i wonder how i could need anything more

still i hear the relentless cries
i feel the need gripping me
but you still stare at me
perfectly peaceful

as i look to you for an answer
you smile at me
and you hold out your hand
i know that i could never walk away

i consider it insanity
that i could ever dream of needing
more than you would give to me
or seek fulfillment elsewhere

i know now that the cries i heard
were lies whispered in my ear
you heard them too
but you let me choose

you constantly show me
what love looks like
in the way you give to me
choices, mercy, grace, and love

you have won my heart
i know that i am yours
i see the relief on your face
that i have chosen you once again

you never faltered
you have always chosen me
i don’t deserve you
yet you are mine