grace

i know when there is separation because i feel longing
every moment i am outside of you
with each beat of my heart there is pain
and i sense your absence even when i know you’re near

as i seek what only you can give in every place but your arms
the darkness closes in tighter around me
until i am stumbling over my own feet tripping over myself
but still convinced that i can find my way out alone

as i approach the edge i pause for a moment to look back
needing to see your face
desperate for your voice in my ear and in my selfishness and impatience
i jump without considering what may await at the bottom

the fall is much farther than i considered it could be
and instead of the flying sensation i had expected to overtake me
there is only numbness
and i cannot speak because words will not come

my stomach turns, and i feel sick having shrouded myself in this lie
my mind wars with the truth but it is too late
and i am now powerless to stop the fall
i am introduced to regret, an acquaintance i’ve never known

upon hitting the bottom, i am shocked to find that i feel no impact
there is no sudden death, no cracking of bones
only stillness and silence and the absolute despair
that accompanies the deepest loneliness

tears become a river, and my thoughts are a hurricane
inside my head i see myself sitting before you
both of us staring, neither speaking
and you’re waiting

i want to cry out to you, to run to your arms and apologize
to beg for your mercy – but i cannot move
my tongue doesn’t dare dance, and i hang my head
trembling and ashamed

i await your anger, your fury, your wrath
but there is none
your silence is deafening and my ears pulse
my head heavy with the weight of what i’ve done

your arms slowly open as i weep
your eyes never leave me and no hard word is spoken
as i lift my gaze to your eyes
i see understanding and a quiet reminder

my heart whispers as i begin to understand
you understand my weakest and dirtiest of conditions
you are the constant and i am ever needing you
you have never left me alone

you forgive me even in my defiance
you accept me even in my failure
you want me even in my unholiness
you love me even in my unworthiness

you are mine and in you is all i have ever needed
your arms hold me and the fear departs
banished by the light as you whisper your love for me
and i understand the meaning of grace

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it is here

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in the dry time
i can do nothing
to quench my thirst
i cry out
knowing that you hear me
and i wait
certain that you will give
with perfect provision
to my every need
and i will be satisfied
when you deem it is due
i continue to walk
and as my feet grow heavy
with every step
and my breath grows haggard
with my strain
i keep my eyes on you
unquestionably you are there
lifting up my feet
and leading me to the next step
until i finally fall to my knees
before you
and with my sunburned face
and my ashen hands
will i open my tear rimmed eyes
to see the oasis
you have laid out before me
and your voice will whisper
in the chambers of my soul
that it is here
in you alone
that i find sustenance

I Have Found the One My Soul Loves

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Today I will look for You,
and I will find You
in every mundane thing I see.
I will seek out Your voice
when all I hear
is the thrum of the air conditioner
and the whirring of paper,
fresh from the printer.
I will still wait to hear
that still small voice,
whispering,
“I love you,”
and it will be the loudest thing
I have ever heard.
My heart will take flight,
and I will find You
in every smile on every face,
in every graceful blink,
in every trembling tree,
in the colors of the skyline.
I will see You there
because You have spoken to me
and my eyes are open to You.

when you hold me

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you make my soul fly
i close my eyes
and i am in your arms
where i know i am safe
i breathe you in
and it’s as if
i have never known anyone but you
i hear the steady rhythm of your heart
and know that you are real
more real than anything else
all that once mattered falls away
in this moment
as you press your lips to the crown of my head
and i cannot imagine
a greater peace
than being where you are

Decisions

the pounding in my head
ringing so loudly
in time with the war drums
i cannot move

i am still on the fence
will i waiver or stand up
i don’t yet know
but you are on my mind

i don’t want to disappoint you
yet i feel the need
to answer this call
to just give in

it would be so much easier
to take you out of the equation
getting what i want
for right now

in the moment i almost succumb
i close my eyes
nearly intending to follow through
on the exhale

as my vision goes dark
i see you watching me
waiting to see what i will do
i see hope in your eyes

i hear the wanting call my name
even as you stare at me
you look captivated
and i wonder how i could need anything more

still i hear the relentless cries
i feel the need gripping me
but you still stare at me
perfectly peaceful

as i look to you for an answer
you smile at me
and you hold out your hand
i know that i could never walk away

i consider it insanity
that i could ever dream of needing
more than you would give to me
or seek fulfillment elsewhere

i know now that the cries i heard
were lies whispered in my ear
you heard them too
but you let me choose

you constantly show me
what love looks like
in the way you give to me
choices, mercy, grace, and love

you have won my heart
i know that i am yours
i see the relief on your face
that i have chosen you once again

you never faltered
you have always chosen me
i don’t deserve you
yet you are mine

My Beloved is Mine

I’ve been on a bender
My thoughts of you in hiding
Not feeling, just moving
Placated by the world around me
Numb, so numb

I inhale in silence
My lungs are filled
I hear the ticking of the clock
It’s so loud in my ears
I want the sound to stop

I exhale in anger
Frustration sweeps over me
All I want is to hear your voice
I know you’re there
I know you’re watching

The daily distractions fight for my attention
I succumb all too often
Absorbed by falsehoods and fairy tales
Made up to make me smile
And keep me occupied

The perfect design
Forged by an enemy
Who would go to any length necessary
To keep me away from you
I suppose sometimes he wins

The ticking clock is a reminder
Time is running out
One day, soon maybe
It will stop completely
Time will stand still, or end

The thought is jarring
My mind races to make sense of consequence
I am all to aware
I have become a zombie
Like all the others

I blend in
I should stand out
You made me to be different
You told me so
This is not what you want for me

The panic seeps in
This startling realization
Of what it means to be without you
The concept immediately hurts
And my soul is grieved

I cry out your name
Begging you to pick me up again
Needing your arms around me
Holding me, rescuing me
I weep

I know that I am complete need
Desire for you burns me inside
I crave your attention desperately
Only you can quench the thirst
This is how you want me

I know you are pleased at this
Still I want more of you
I want to know you
The number of hairs on your head
The way you smell

I hunger to know your every detail
Still I think I ask too much
Though you answer my cries
I am overwhelmed at how my need only grows
With every encounter

My heart echoes your promises
Reminders of your love for me
I close my eyes and see
You are before me, arms open
Calling me to yourself

I come to you
Your embrace is home
Never have I felt more alive
You have waited for this moment
I am completely sated

I realize as I am held
You have drawn me in yet again
That love of yours is incomparable
It is potent and magnetic
My heart whispers your name

Lost is the knowledge of anything but you
Gone are my fears and doubts
The frustration has subsided
The anger has faded away
Now, there is love

There is grace in your touch
Mercy in your arms
Hope in your smile
Peace in the way you nuzzle me to your chest
You are perfect

I want to be worthy of you
This will never happen
Still you love me
In this moment
I am overcome

Emotion pulls me
Baring my soul to you
Frightens me more than anything
But you are gentle as you hold me
I hear your breathing

Your heartbeat rings in my ears
Our hands entertwine
I watch your mouth turn into a smile
You kiss my forehead
Your hold on me tightens

This moment will last forever
You and I will never end
You have promised me so
My heart is full
My cup runneth over

As we stand still
Surrounded by peace
I have but one thought
I am my beloved’s
My beloved is mine