from my chair
i see the floor
where you and i don’t wrestle around anymore
but from here
i can see
the couch where you would make slow love to me
on me now
is the throw
that i covered myself with when you said you had to go
and in my head
are the words
that you never said and i would have died to have heard





sometimes i can’t help but think
with clarity and absolution
that i was meant to die alone

the stabbing pain grips my chest
at the most inopportune moments
and i choke as my mouth goes dry

in this moment i am certain
that i have run out of tears
and so i sob silently with no evidence

until standing beneath the faucet
the hot water blends with the stream on my cheek
and i feel nothing

there is no knock on the door
no call or text or letter or message
to let me know that i am wrong

i am reminded by the silence
that my private tears are as unnoticed
as the mask i wear in the daylight



the quiet
is so tangible
so thick and daunting
that the slightest sound
seems piercing and offensive
making me jump

you aren’t here
and i’m still waiting
for you to come
and make it all okay
but yet again
that day is not today

so i curl up
under the covers
in the middle of the afternoon
and i sleep
to turn off my mind
and hide from tears

but i cannot run
fear follows
reminding me even in dreams
that you have not come
it whispers to me
that i am still without

as i wake i remember
the promise of you
spoken from the lips
of the One who loves me most
and i cling to it
in this moment

i await your presence
the time when you find me
and i see fire begin to grow
deep in your eyes
i wait for your intentions
to be made known

i hold my heart
as i consider to myself
how you will pursue me
and how you will lead me
but patience grows tired
and hope hangs by a thread

in this moment
my spirit feels broken
uncertain and in need
waiting for love
attended by only my thoughts
and silence


where are you

the sun has disappeared behind the dirt
but the moon hides her face tonight
my house is in order
another quiet ending
to another noisy day
there’s no need to sit at the table
with dinner prepared for only one
an evening without conversation
no playful banter echoes off these walls
i open a book and put on music
the angst-driven voice soothing me
singing, “where are you?”
and i am saddened
because my heart understands the lyric
as i sip my tea and stare
at random dark spots on the carpet
i can’t help but wonder
if you’ve forgotten your mission
to find me
did you get lost along the way
or perhaps stop to visit
the castle of another queen
or are you simply taking your time
savoring your freedom
drawing out this torture
unconcerned with how i need you
more than i ever have before